What to Do When Your Leader is Gone?

How do you sum up the life of someone who touched and changed your world for the better in only a few short years? I’m going to talk about our founder, Jed/Red. He came into my life at the worst time for me.

My son, Nicholas, was going through a relapse of his bone cancer, and we were trying everything to work for him. This meant I had a lot of free time when he was resting in the hospital or at home, so I picked up my pen and decided to write a blog about all the nuances I found in each episode of WhyRU.

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Let me go back in time.

I’d always read PsychoMilk’s blog and followed the Twitter feed as well. I found the articles on the site to be articulate, honest, and with opinions very clearly expressed. When I first got into BL, there weren’t many blogs or spaces to discuss BLs in depth. There also weren’t many, if any, production companies who either cared or could afford to add official subtitles to the shows. The saving grace at this time was that some fans would record, translate, and add subtitles to these shows, then re-release them for us, the International audiences. I’m looking at you, @AdamSubs and @kudalakorn (for which I am eternally grateful for Lovesick subs). When I came across Jed’s PsychoMilk blog, I started to read each article eagerly, not to mention that I also loved Jed’s tweets.

We started chatting via direct messages on Twitter. It was such a good feeling geeking out over BL with someone articulate, open to dialogue and discussions, and, of course, his trademark opinionated barbs. I was fangirling that I was talking to someone I viewed as having it all together, running a successful blog.

We shared some of the same opinions but also disagreed on some. Jed never shied away from a heated discussion, but he would rarely cross boundaries into personal attacks.

Were there times I was very angry with Jed? Yes – the man knew how to get under your skin. And it’s frustrating to see someone going through a hardship brought on by factors caused by their poor choices. But even when I was furious with him, I couldn’t leave him alone to struggle.

So, we at PsychoMilk collectively helped when we could. I’m glad we could help him through the dark times that seemed to permeate his recent years.

Jed encouraged my muse personally, and I’m forever grateful for the kind words and encouragement. It had been many years since I had written much of anything, especially for consumption by someone besides myself, and I was worried about whether I was good enough to put my words out there for the public to see.

Jed liked my writing style, which boosted my own self-esteem. I wasn’t sure who was reading besides fans of the shows. Then, we decided to experiment a bit and collaborate on a series. It was amazing, like a dialogue unfolding in the form of blogs…I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. 

In between it all, we chatted about our lives, sharing our struggles and challenging times. He encouraged me to keep writing and that he was praying for Nicholas. He told me of his struggles as a gay man in a religious society and family that didn’t approve of his sexuality.

He was ill, and we lost touch for a while. But when we discovered his struggles, Steve (@TheFNGee), Louis (BLHaven), and I decided to help him. He went through a lot of struggles in the past few years, both physically and mentally, but he never gave up. He would find his way back to doing what he loved.

I don’t think a writer can give up their muse. Jed may not have written much in the last bit because jobs and lives were getting in the way. He wrote for us when he could (under the penname John Ken, squeezing in a few articles here and there, but left the running of the PM site to us.

I’m grateful for the opportunities that working on PsychoMilk has opened up for me and for the people it has brought into my life. Without Jed, none of this would have been possible.

He was stubborn and passionate about his beliefs, especially his government and gay rights.

Unfortunately, Jed was also bad at taking care of his own health, so he was plagued with many health issues. Alas, these are what ultimately led to his premature death due to complications from diabetes and hypertension. You can’t mess around with those issues because, if left untreated, they can lead to many more problems.  Please, if you have these, take care of yourself and make sure to take your medication regularly and listen to your doctor’s advice.

Jed, you may be gone, but your baby, your blog, lives on. I hope we can continue to make you proud as we offer content and reviews. I’ve too much social anxiety to do interviews, but you encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone. One day, I will summon the courage to do just that. Until then, my friend, may your journey onward to the next big adventure bring your soul peace and happiness.

Love you,

Jen