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In the TharnType fandom that I find myself practically living in, since discovering Mame’s controversial LBC universe last year, a constant complaint I hear from a lot of viewers, especially Western ones, is this: the practice of calling the receiver or bottom, in an MxM relationship as the “wife.” I was curious to learn more because, as an Asian, it didn’t feel or sound like an insult to me. Granted, I am not a gay man, but as a queer woman belonging to a culture similar to Thai, I was puzzled why someone would take offense at being designated as the husband or wife.

Edited by TheFNGee

Traditionally, the word “wife” was given to the woman as the world worked that way for a long time. The woman was the nurturer of all things home and hearth, while the man stepped out into the big bad world to earn a living and support his family. Women also earned by way of supporting the family—making sure the man can afford to step out when she took the brunt of the home care, childcare, and eldercare. She was just as likely to have a part-time job or to help in the family business.

The grievance is that when you call the man a ‘wife,’ it is an attack on his identity and his masculinity. I can certainly see the point there, and to some extent, many shows are guilty of showing just that. It is galling to see ignorant (or misogyny-afflicted) viewers use the word “wife” as one would a slur, be it may while encountering fictional characters or real gay couples. Then again, as in the case of cultural nuances, there are other considerations.

I have talked to Thai audiences of BL fare and was told that it is acceptable in Thai culture for the receiver to be called “wife.”

Let’s suppose a family publicly calls a man their “daughter-in-law” or their son’s “wife”; contrary to a knee-jerk reaction, it is not meant to box the newcomer into a feminine role or to deny his masculinity. Instead, it is to send a clear message into the immediate environment they live in. They are saying that the person is now a part of their family. He has taken the role of their son’s or brother’s life partner. Watch what you say about him or how he is treated because the family has embraced him as one of their own and will not hesitate to retaliate if any are found to mean him any harm.

For most progressive minds, this reasoning is flawed. Why does one need to conform to how society dictates? That is just an oppressive mindset, isn’t it? Normally I’d agree to that too, but, again, in Asia, it is mostly “we” before “I,” unlike the liberated Western way of living. Living in most Asian societies is attuned to the communal needs rather than the individuals. And in a patriarchal, homophobic sovereign like Thailand, where the population is largely het, there is a necessity to define certain things in a socially acceptable way.

And, of course, there’s also the often thought-provoking question: can a non-Thai audience really comment on what another culture, of which they know very little of, should or shouldn’t do? Sometimes even Google research is not enough to understand cultural intricacies.

Furthermore, when one considers certain Thai BL storytelling narratives (or any story/show, really), context is very important. Yes, there are those clichéd shows which depict the receivers as a cute, simpering type. Thankfully, that is no longer the norm. Newer releases like KinnPorsche, I Told The SunSet About You, and Manner of Death feature bold, smart, and complex characters as the receivers in a BL pairing. Take the TharnType series.

Protagonist Tharn Kirigun’s constant feminization of his lover/life partner Type Thiwat sounds irksome, but a clearer picture emerges if one were to look deeper.

At nineteen, Tharn may have more experience in love and sex than most of us do, but he is a product of his upbringing in many ways. He is characterized as someone trapped in a traditional hetero-normative model, even while leading life as an out gay man. Though Tharn is half-white, he was born and brought up in patriarchal Thailand. He may come from a liberal, upper-class family having no problem with him when he came out of the closet, but still disapproving when he chose to study music instead of taking over the family business.

Tharn grew up watching his parents’ picture-perfect marriage. His father is in the music business, and Tharn is a musician himself; sons imitate fathers. As a young 19 yr old ‘top,’ Tharn has patriarchal notions on who is the “woman” in the relationship, and it certainly wasn’t him. He has this visceral need to play the stereotypical “I have to be the one taking care of my wifey” role in all his relationships. This need is especially obvious when fate or destiny pairs Tharn with the brash, hot-headed footballer-roommate Type, who has problems of his own with his internalized homophobia and unresolved PTSD.

Canonically, Tharn’s past lovers have always been demure, cute, and petite. In the end, Type, who does not fit that description physically or fundamentally, wins Tharn’s heart by triggering his protective and, dare I say, patriarchal instincts. Type, a strapping young man who has no hesitation using his fists, needs no protecting. Of course, that does not stop Tharn from role-playing in the only way he knows – he hubby, Type wifey. He Tarzan (or maybe something even Neanderthal), Type Jane.

In both the novel and the show, we see Tharn calling Type wifey as often as he could and trying his best to place himself and force Type into a traditional marriage paradigm – being the richer person in the dynamics, he pays for everything, which often leaves Type frustrated and feeling inferior. (Type often rebels against this in his own way but is never above using the term wife to apply to himself if it serves his purpose, but that’s another story!)

When it came to “domestic” matters, the stereotype was alive and well in TharnType story. In the kitchen, Tharn is notorious for his inability to cook – an often accepted Asian apologist sentiment about the ‘men of the family .’ They just don’t have the cooking ‘gene’ as it is the ‘domain’ of the softer sex. In TharnType, it is Type who cooks and keeps house for them both while also working full time as a physiotherapist.

It is not all gloom and doom, of course. As the story progresses in the novel, the incredibly flawed Tharn undergoes a torturous journey as he navigates the landmine of long term relationship with his own insecure, jealous nature. He eventually matures enough to let go of his boorish, out-dated expectations. In the climax chapters, we find Tharn respectful of Type’s stance: the latter wants neither a legal wedding nor children, but just to be with him for the rest of his life. It’s a radical, uncommon ending in the genre, and one I rather admire.

The series TharnType 2: Seven Years Later, though, opts to go ahead with a more socially accepted ending for the damaged heroes, much to the delight of its dedicated audience who’d accept only a wedding as the ultimate HEA for their OTP (especially if it is a #mewgulf one! Fandom expectations need to be considered too while adapting a book for a second season, when two globally popular idols play the protagonists)[a]. And there’s a nice redemption arc there, one that had its own happy resolution.

Throughout the show’s Season 2, Tharn repeatedly proposes to Type, saying “I want to take care of you.” And Type responds, or rather rejects, in his typical fashion!

It is often hard to change cultural norms ingrained in one’s psyche; that’s why it’s a sign of great character development that towards the end of the series (S2E11), Tharn proposes yet another time, with the line: “Type, I want to take care of you and I also want to be taken care of by you” and that is when Type actually agrees to marry him.


Author adishakthihere

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Join the discussion 5 Comments

  • Lee says:

    I’m mostly bothered about “wife” vs “husband” because in all the relationships I’ve been in, even when I had a preference to either top or bottom, both parties perform both roles occasionally. Also, by using “wife” or “husband” it immediately tells the public if you identify as a top or bottom, which I don’t see as anyone else’s business. I don’t see why you couldn’t call both parties “husband,” because doesn’t that communicate the fact that they are integrated into the family?

    • jenhg says:

      I understand your uncomfortable with the terms used. For me, I prefer to use the generic terms like lovers or partners or two wives or two husbands. But in another culture we have to understand their views may be different from ours. If a Thai couple choose to call themselves Mia and Pa…I personally don’t even equate it to top or bottom roles, because sexual position in the relationship may not correlate to these terms. I don’t know if I’ve confused the subject, but also with Thai language, it can also be inclusive in terms of calling a lover a faen….which doesn’t designate gender of the person you are dating. Neither boyfriend nor girlfriend, but lover is more an appropriate translation but some translators make a distinction by choosing to use boyfriend or girlfriend. – 💕Jen

  • Sally says:

    As bi one thing that picks on my nerves is when a straight person tries to find the wife/husband in relationships. I live in an extremely homophobic country where these heteronormative terms are often used to express disgust or laugh at our sexuality.

    When i was first introduced into bls that is something that did make me uncomfortable obviously. Eventually i got to understand the societal concept of it and i wasnt as irk as usual watching those series.
    But i can never get behind series that uses stereotypes for the ”wife” while expressing a dislike to be labelled that themselves. Wife isnt suppose to be a negative term but they give off this i am a MAN i cant be the Wife energy which makes me wonder if they feel that their wives are not men or a lesser version of a man.

    Personally i dont think there will ever be a point i will accept that lgbtq people need to fit into heteronormative spaces. We are different at the same time similar to our hetro counterpart in terms of we all love the same. If i call my gf husband let it be because its my pet name or teasing name for her. Not because somewhere deep inside i still feel a need to fit in.

    I do hope that one day everywhere across the world including mine we will be given our own space and wont have to fit into someone elses

  • Mike Romatowski says:

    I agree with the person above about the social/racial/stereotypes/negative female characters, etc.. I think and hope we’ll see an evolution in the presentation of the BL series on those issues, perhaps as more western exposure creates feed back. I am a gay American. I really enjoy the BL series in toto. I also enjoy the fanservice/social media to a certain extent as well. (They’ve been my pandemic savior.) Thailand is evidently a conservative country socially, perhaps due to lingering British influence, despite Bhuddist acceptance of LGBT. I hope I am not oversimplifying or being a stupid American about this. I understand that a military junta has ruled since the 70s(?), but enacted LGBT protections in around 2005 (not an endorsement of the junta by me). I also understand they are considering same-sex partnership rights. We’re still waiting on the Equality Act here.
    I just watched Addiction Heroin. I was surprised it portrayed a gay relationship, being out of China, but then found out it was suppressed by the government, kisses were censored, and its stars professionally oppressed/controlled. Similar issues of force and consent (ostensibly in the name of love) were present in the series. So there’s a lot of room for improvement in the lives of LGBT and societies, but the BL series do create visibility and exposure will lead to change and more acceptance. Wish we had something similar here. I do really enjoy seeing aspects of Asian cultures. P.S. the series have made me definitely want to visit Thailand.

  • Daring to Dream says:

    I am a Westerner gay man who finds the “husband” “wife” trope problematic. Just as I find the frequent rape/attempted rape with no consequences problematic in Thai BLs. And the use of dark-skinned people as the villians/heavies while light skinned people are the heroes. And the use of heavier, screaming effeminate men as worthy of being laughed at. This is in the BL world- I’m not sure that means it extends to overall Thai culture.
    with all these things- I think it is ok to speak up, just as I would when seeing offensive stereotypes in my culture. Otherwise, how will things change/evolve into more freedom and ease for everyone?
    That doesn’t mean my opinion is the end all or be all- but look at the changes in another conservative Asian culture- Taiwan. Gay marriage is legal there and that change was not accomplished by simply accepting that status quo is ok.
    I know I found the husband/wifey thing lazy and irritating in the mostly wonderful series “1000 Stars” as well. And does that one irritant weigh down all the wonderful aspects of Thai culture shown in the series? Not at all for me.

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